Drunky McPisserpants, Doctor Pee-Pee, Pants Off Pete, Drunky McStagger, Crash, and That Annoying Drunk Guy. You go by many names, and we all know you.
You think no one notices when you make your way for the booze at any given art reception in town? You think no one knows of you as simply – “that ass-hat”? Or that your fashions from 1985 combined with your 6th cup of Crane Lake don’t make the gallery goers wary?
It has been going on for years. You go through the art reception listings for the month, plot out your strategy, and in no time are being an overall abrasive jackass that no one finds charming. Frankly, I’m tired of it, we all are and we keep an eye on you and your unpredictable tendencies.
Hey, I love to get drunk, who doesn’t? But you know what the difference is between you and the rest of us who like to drink at art receptions? We don’t cause a scene that involves nudity, bladder control issues, or trespassing. Oh Doctor Pee-Pee – that’s my pet name for you – how is it you didn’t learn your lesson when you were arrested for taking your pants off at an art reception; the time you got covered in shaving cream because you passed out in the middle of a gallery; the time you passed out and pissed yourself in a gallery basement; the times you get up in artists faces and spit while you talk; the times you needed to be escorted out; the times you stole the wine key, or the whole bottle and ran off; the time you ended up on a gallery roof and it took 4 people to get you down?
Doctor? Can you do me a favor? You have ruined two of my own art receptions, and I’d really hate to have to punch you next time I see you, or have you arrested – yet again.
Here’s the deal, I don’t know your story, and I doubt anyone cares, but you know Sapell’s Grocery? Dude, they sell a 12 pack of Black Label for $6.00! I mean you can buy one of those and a bottle of Crane Lake for yourself, and stay home! Now doesn’t that sound like more fun than waiting in line to suck down 14 sippy cups of cheap wine while everyone rolls their eyes in disgust at you? I knew it would.
Yours (not so affectionately),
– Arabella Proffer
Illustration by: Michael Wohl
