Story by Ian P.E. | Illustrations by Jeff Hulligan
With the mortgage foreclosure rate at over 10% in the city of Cleveland for the last few years…many of us are very familiar with friends or family members who have lost their homes and gone back to renting. In the event that a loved-one winds up sleeping on your couch for a solid six months – it’s time to start educating them on the code of the streets.
We have compiled a list of important ways to earn “BUM PROPS”, in order to help a homeless individual learn the ropes and gain the respect and admiration of their fellow homeless brothers and sisters. The following is an exploration into the hierarchy of homeless society, some codes of behavior, current trends, survival techniques, and how to become the baddest bum on the block.
- – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - - - – - -
TEN IMPORTANT TIPS TO REMEMBER
1. Be Proud
Homelessness is not something to be ashamed of, we want our bums to be proud of themselves…maybe they didn’t actually make mistakes to get where they are – maybe they actually made good sound decisions to arrive at a higher level of existence than the rest of us. Bums aren’t born homeless – they’ve worked their whole life to be what they are now. And don’t worry, bums don’t own mirrors…so they never have to look at themselves in the mirror.
2. It’s a State of Mind
So you’re homeless, who gives a crap? Society certainly doesn’t, so why give a crap about society? Nothing’s more pathetic than a bitchy bum…you’ll never gain the respect of your homeless brethren unless you start distancing yourself from the mental trappings of the “American Dream”. Try to get down with the “Homeless Dream” – a free and easy lifestyle, where the only worries are eating, sleeping, fornicating and bowel movementing.
3. Crossing the Street
The easiest way to spot a veteran is the way they cross the street. Don’t look left or right, just go for it…it’s like walking down the hallway of your house, you live there – visiting drivers need to stop for you…it’s your freaking house. And if you were to get hit – jackpot! That could pay off in the tens of thousands! Plus you’d get a bed with room service in the local hospital!
4. One Shoe, Two Shoe, No Shoe?
We won’t even talk about socks…that’s a given – socks are for working stiffs. But shoes, shoes are another story completely. The norm is two – either of cheap leather imitation (fancy dress style) or used Wal-Mart running shoes with either Velcro laces or no laces at all.
[NOTE FROM EDITOR: I STILL HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THE LACES ON HOMELESS PEOPLE’S SHOES. I GUESS IT’S JUST NOT COOL, AND THEY THROW THE LACES BACK INTO THE DUMPSTER THAT THEY CAME FROM. – IPE]
Bums with no shoes are the bottom of the barrel [AND PLEASE, FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY, NEVER LOOK AT A BUM’S FOOT!] …these people are the prey of the streets. Usually handicapped physically or mentally and slowly wasting away from a mixture of hunger, exposure, and gangrene. The other bums steal the shoes off their feet, but nice homeless advocates keep buying them new shoes every week – so it actually kind of helps keep the footwear supply well-stocked for the rest of the homeless population in a backwards way.
Okay…now we get to the real trendsetters of homeless footwear fashion – one shoe, one grubby infested bare foot. These are the bad asses who get drunk or stoned and pass out, get their shoes stolen, and upon waking, are able to find one shoe (stolen, found or borrowed) but started getting fucked up again and ceased to care about finding another one…hell one shoe’s enough!
5. Walking
Take your time, you got nowhere to go…one step sideways for every step forward.
6. Language
Your manner of speech is a telltale sign of your education, up-bringing, temperament and social class. The first thing to remember is to never use a positive adverb. A common homeless phrase would resemble something like the following:
Example A: You’n ain’t seen none a Miss Stink?
Translation: Have you seen my girlfriend?
Example B: Y’all ain’t into them nasty chewy things is you?
Translation: Do you like jellybeans?
Another point to remember is the decibel level of your voice. Loud is proud! The best part about being homeless is your ability to rant and rave at anyone you damn well please.
7. Teeth
The less you have, the less you have to remove.
8. Odor/Cleanliness
Nobody, not even a bum, likes a stinky person. Find a hose at a gas station or something.
9. Sleeping Options
In the unlikely event that your homeless “friend” does not do crystal meth (and actually sleeps at night), we recommend the following sleeping options for the more creative bums out there:
a. White House Lawn (if you can’t get over the fence, then just use the sidewalk…either way, you’ll probably wind up in one of D.C.’s finest beds downtown)
b. Ronald Reagan Statues (oh…the irony)
c. Cleveland Plus Office (100 Public Square, Suite 210) …a great place run by bums for bums.
[REMEMBER – NEWSPAPERS DO NOT MAKE FOR A GOOD BLANKET. I RECOMMEND USING AN AMERICAN FLAG.]
10. Shaking hands
Don’t do it! Even if you are a bum, you still don’t even want to start thinking about where another bum’s hands have been. Keep those dirty mitts to yourself…punch fists only if you have to.
