We drove around taking photos in Parma a few Sundays ago, in search of “Thee Ultimate Parma House”. I hadn’t been to Parma for years, but from my youth, I remembered a magical land…filled with gnomes, religious figures, windmills and a plethora of other gentle forest creatures – and that’s just in the front yards!
Well…upon further evaluation – Parma didn’t quite hold up to my memories. Finding gnomes was actually pretty tough. Many of the houses seemed like they’d lost that Parma pride, but we still managed to find a few gems which revoked the golden age of Parma – Land of Pierogies, Polka and Bowling.
BEST LAWN ORNAMENTATION
When does a lawn become an enchanted forest Eden? With…(count them) 12 gnomes! And that’s just on one side of the house (the other side’s garden bed was populated by deer, beavers, foxes, raccoons, ducks and another gnome). We found this suburban paradise on Snow Road…many props to the owner for keeping Parma alive…a Parma without gnomes would just be Brooklyn (Ohio).
ULTIMATE PARMA CHARIOT
This “getter” is the embodiment of utility. I imagine an owner much like his/her choice of transport – sturdy, comfortable, in no hurry, and doesn’t mind missing out on some of the luxuries in life (such as a hubcap), because as the faded “support our troops” sticker indicates – blind faith can weather any storm that reason dishes out.
PARMA DOG
(Stains, underbite and all)
BEST WINDOW
Check out the curtain pattern full of fruit and flowers! Happy animal creature! Wind chime! Striped awning with wave trim! Solid brick construction! Perfection…
PARMA GARDEN
“Our Lady of the Dirt”
MOST AWNAGE
Two sides, seven awnings…could there possibly be 14 in all!? We’ll never know…but it must be pretty dark inside this quaint palace…with all those awnings covering up half of the window space. Awnings are the single most important feature on a Parma Poopie. They’re a testament to the owner’s individuality (are you racy? – add stripes, homely? – add droopy trim undersides, simple? – just the slats without any sides or other nonsense)…and what purpose do these metal shingled umbrellas topping the windows serve? I can’t figure it out. When it rains, it pours around here…I have an awning over my back kitchen window and the thing doesn’t do a goddamn thing – I still have to close the window when it rains.
MOST CREATIVE LANDSCAPING
The owner of this nightmare is too clever for their own good. During my years as a landscaping hand, it never occurred to me that the plants, which took so many hours to maintain, could easily be replaced by cheap ceramic crap. Just put the mulch down in the Spring and watch your very own Mother Mary grow from the earth. I seriously can’t stop laughing at the little details here…the bedding, the trim, the intricately planned spacing of everything. The owner should definitely apply for a job on the Cleveland City Planning Commission…or…maybe they already work there!
THEE ULTIMATE PARMA HOUSE
Yikes! At first glance, this beauty is easy to pass up…but that’s Parma baby! A subtle collection of nuanced ugliness, which when brought together creates an overall atmosphere…that of a shit-stained suburb that can weather the impact of a nuclear attack.
This house is kind of the embodiment of Parma’s past, present and future. It’s like the owner couldn’t quite live up to their dreams and wound up taking over his/her dead grandma’s house, but didn’t have enough money to fix it up like they wanted to – so instead they just put up a couple tiny American flags in the front yard…and still drive around in grandma’s Oldsmobile or whatever the hell that bad-ass car sitting in the driveway is.
Sorry if this offended any of you Parma people out there…but then again – I was born there, so I have the right…Parma’s offended me my whole life.
