By Ian P.E.
If you live in the suburbs, you certainly don’t want to be “that” neighbor. There’s one on every block, you know, the “bad” neighbor, the one who aids and abets the dreaded dandelion. These pesky weeds pollute our airspace with pollen, and turn a perfectly manicured green lawn into a cesspool. Their puffy white seeds also travel long distances in the air, and run the risk of infecting unsuspecting neighbors’ yards as a result of one lazy neighbor’s negligence. It is simply irresponsible, and brings the whole neighborhood down to a lower level, something akin to a wild orgy of untamed nature.
They also attract bees! Yes, bees rely on dandelions in the early spring months as a major source of pollen. It’s like killing two pests with one stone. By removing the dandelions, you will also rid your property of those annoying bees, who can ruin a perfect outside family dinner with their constant buzzing and may even sting the baby. And while we’re on the topic, what if a neighbor’s child is allergic to bees and gets stung and killed by an errant bee swarm that you, the “bad” neighbor, have been harboring and sustaining in your own yard? Sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Killing dandelions can be fun! The best and most common prevention tactic is the use of pesticides, they contain many carcinogenic toxins and have been thought to also contaminate drinking water, but once you see that uniform, shining green lawn, you won’t care about a few minor health side-effects or cancers. They also have some pesticides out on the market that target clovers…which, although not as tacky as dandelions, don’t look the same as blades of grass, and don’t belong…lawns must be uniform, with grass, and only grass.
Sometimes “that” neighbor is your neighbor, and you may find your own anal-retentive, controlled lawn sprouting up “devil-flowers” despite constantly spraying giant fuming clouds of poison to keep them at bay. You may want to discuss the problem with “that” neighbor and try to let them understand that by letting nature run its course, they are in turn depriving you of playing god.
In summation, Dandelions must be stopped because they don’t look like grass and are actually yellow flowers, which don’t belong in lawns, because lawns are supposed to be green (and only green), with grass (and only grass) so we can look at our perfect, uniform lawns and be proud ourselves. If we allow these unsightly menaces to reproduce and spread, our housing communities run the risk of a full-fledged invasion. Suburban culture as we know it, could collapse into chaos, where everything no longer looks the same and lawns have flowers in them.
