Nationwide, Fuego en la Sangre (which had its season premiere on May 2nd) was the highest-rated program on Friday night among all Adults 18-34 across all networks regardless of language, helping Univision gain the #1 spot for the entire primetime block on Friday.

As the mass media continue to ignore these glaring statistics, we’ve already begun masterminding a plan of action to hold off the threat to the South. It’s time for our entertainment industry to roll up their sleeves and get to work…otherwise we’ll be left with no other choice, but to learn Spanish and watch the better shows on Univision.

The following is a step by step model for U.S. Supremacy (rest assured, we’ve already sent this out to all the major networks and their people are working on it).

There’s no need to re-invent the wheel here. Take a formula that works, Americanize it and let the Golden Globe, Emmy and Peabody Awards flow. Audiences will rave about the “freshness” and “quirkiness” of it!

HOT TUB INTERVIEWS

Every man in America dreams about “tubbing” with a bunch of hot chicks in bikinis…and showing us that even an old fat man can accomplish this feat will give hope and re-ignite the dreams of all the pathetic lazy-asses sitting on couches across America. Let them Dream!

I vote for Drew Carey. He seems awkward on the Price is Right (his heart just ain’t in it) and he fits the bill (old, fat, and funny). Use the model of the hugely popular talk show El Gordo Y La Flaca, set it in Vegas, and put a twenty person tub on the center of the stage. IT’S THAT SIMPLE FOLKS! Nobody really wants to watch a cynical, unfunny person behind a desk talk to fully clothed celebrities…they just have to. Bring on the bubbles or step aside to Univision!

SOMBREROS & STUPID COSTUMES

A sitcom ain’t a sitcom unless someone’s dressed ridiculously. Yeah, go ahead and add your family values and/or moral to the story, but at least let us laugh along the way. I present to thee, for your consideration:

SPACE VIXEN
TAGLINE: Space Vixen is family orientated sit-com following the escapades of Venus (played by Paris Hilton) as she learns how to be a normal human being despite her out of this world personality. It’s a cross between ALF and Designing Women stirred into a sexpot of Sci-Fi adventure.

So get this…her spaceship lands in a Nebraska cornfield where this real hunky Latino cowboy guy (dressed in black, with a black sombrero) takes her back to his family’s homestead, where they hide her from the Military/Government Agencies (who know an Alien space craft arrived). I mean, c’mon, this would be the biggest television show ever… hot girl in spandex, dark man in sombrero (played by Mathew McConaughey), science fiction, conspiracy theory, romantic intrigue, family values and COSTUMES!

GIRLS VS. THE BOYS

Feminism has taken a plunge since the 60’s, I was deeply saddened when the newAmerican Gladiators came out and they still pitted wimpy girls against anabolically enhanced woMEN. My favorite Mexican show was called like…Battle of Sexes or something similar, anyway; it pitted the men vs. the women and the women always won…and there was this black guy in a cage that always got crap dumped on his head whenever someone messed up? (I’m serious…I don’t know if this show is still on, and what exactly they meant by it…but I took it as symbolism…I think there was like a close-up shot of a fair-skinned man laughing at him too!…but my imagination sometimes takes the upper hand.) Lets watch the woMEN kick the poop out of the men, and add in some b-rate ex-celebrities!

FORGET THE CRIME, WHAT WE NEED IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE

If the Crime that seeps into our everyday life isn’t enough, we always have television to remind us of all the possible ways we can be murdered, why, where, when and how our public servants find these monsters and bring them to JUSTICE (JUSTICE, FREEDOM and BEER should always be capitalized).

Anyway, the heavyweights of Latino T.V. are Fuego en la Sangre (Burning For Revenge) and Al Diablo Con Los Guapos (Down with the Beautiful). They both resemble the classic novels of Dumas (Three Musketeers) mixed in with some Jane Austen melodrama…they’re filled with intrigue, sub-plots, machismo, honor, tact and of course – romance. In comparison, American television dramas seem almost German in their harshness (Is America the new Germany?).

Flee the barracks young soldier boys, follow your hearts, honor is in you, not your country…make love, break hearts and drop the guns. Maybe we can end these times of war, we just need some more good old fashioned, tear-jerking crap on the television.