By Ian P.E.
Sometimes I can’t sleep because I get the lyrics of “God Bless America” stuck in my head. It makes me all teary-eyed and warm inside at first, but then I start getting real mad, because I get to thinking about the heroes out there on the front lines in some godless forlorn desert, paying the ultimate price for our FREEDOM. And that’s the point – it’s our duty as Americans to FIGHT for PEACE in this world.
You think FREEDOM grows on trees? Well, here’s a message to you – that apple which grew on a tree, that apple which I ate for breakfast yesterday, well…that same apple had the FREEDOM to bless to my toilet-bowl this morning in a glorious display of expression. But if that little morsel of goodness had an assault rifle and the backing of the United States Armed Forces, I sure as hell would have left that sucker be.
I read a liberal blog on the internet the other day. It was a pansy’s. He was whining and complaining about the Patriot Act taking away our right to privacy. Said they can tap phones and read emails at will. Well…maybe so, but what is that guy saying or writing that needs to be so secret? Go ahead and put up a surveillance camera in my bedroom – You’ll only see Pope approved baby-making in the missionary style. Us good Americans don’t have nothing to hide.
And so…I thought it would be a good opportunity to expose all you, my fellow FREE Americans, to the cornerstones of this land of liberty, the U. S. of A. – God Bless her.
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THE LIBERTY BELL
(Let Freedom Ring)
Not sure if this thing rings anymore. And may god be with you, if you decide to jump the security barrier and try to give old liberty a ring for yourself (this most certainly would be an act of terrorism…the last guy to try it used a hammer and got 9 months in jail).
Note the huge crack in it, which happened when they first gave it a test run – proving that despite the human errors involved in its creation, American liberty and independence shall prevail, no matter how shoddy it was from conception. Cracked and out of reach from the public, it shall triumph.
It’s also known as the Independence Bell and resides in Philadelphia, where it was supposedly rung to announce the reading of the Declaration of Independence on July 8, 1776…but again, like so many other holy things in America, intellectual historians say that’s it’s highly improbable, because the Chapel which would have held it, was in tatters at the time.
[NOTE FROM THE EDITOR - DIDN'T THESE KNOW-IT-ALL HISTORIANS GO TO FINE AMERICAN SCHOOLS? THE AMERICAS WERE DISCOVERED BY COLUMBUS! BETSY ROSS MADE THE FLAG! GODDAMN EUROPEANS TRYING TO RUIN OUR HISTORY! JEALOUS BASTARDS...THEY ONLY WISH THEY HAD THE ABILITY TO PURSUE A FREE EDUCATION LIKE OUR GOVERNMENT PROVIDES.]
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FREEDOM ROCK, Iowa
First off, being the professional journalist that I am, my search for freedom left no STONE unturned. Please, for your own entertainment, google in FREEDOM ROCK IOWA and click on the first page that comes up…a song entitled “freedom fighter” starts playing…you can now finish this article with a proper, full-sensory experience.
The artist of this rock, Ray (Bubba) Sorensen II, has made a simple “high school rivalry graffitti rock” into something which transcends tribal dogmas and youthful proclamations of love…into something serious, something real, something American. He saw “Saving Private Ryan” and didn’t think there was enough patroitism in this country. Yeah, I just wrote that.
That’s Yoda in the foreground, a little doggie owned by some weirdo on the internet who takes photos of his dog everywhere. Good thing the soldier who’s painted on the rock is pointing his gun at us, not Yoda. Aiming a machine gun at a dog is surely un-American, but aiming an assault rifle at everyone, no matter who is looking at it, is definitely the correct way to ”Honor FREEDOM”.
I’m not sure if FREEDOM is a threat (I read it as -” honor FREEDOM, or else!”), but this giant, midwestern rock truly embodies the mindset of many solid, faithful Americans in their passionate respect for the soldiers who defend the values of our leaders. But instead of focusing on their sacrifices, their hardships, and their value in upholding FREEDOM (or more appropriately – free market economics), we’d much rather focus on a cartoon-like depiction of their heroic endeavors and the glorious force of power displayed in American war machines.
Next stop – Afghanistan…Get ‘er done!
“Thank you soldier, now I can be me”
- Robert Andrew
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THE HIPPIE
(aka – Huck Finn on crack)
No treatise on American FREEDOM is complete without the dirty bare-footprints of a hippie. The legacy of the 60’s flower child lives on even today, but…instead of large political rallies and social protests, we now have festivals held in private, secure locations for them to collect en masse and fix the injustices of society by hula-hooping and hacky-sacking to oblivion.
As FREEDOM itself, is unaware of its reality, so follows the purest embodiment of FREEDOM yet covered in these pages.
QUESTION – Does FREEDOM care that it is overweight?
ANSWER – Absolutely not, FREEDOM cares not about our laughter – instead, it mocks convention by stripping off its patchouli-soaked shirt, and then has the audacity to flaunt its true colors by hula-hooping itself into a lather of sweat, earth, and matted hair for all to behold.
Indeed, untamed FREEDOM is not always a beautiful sight.
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FREEDOM TOWER
(to the moon!)
Eat this terrorist swine! We’re now building a newer, better looking, stronger, and taller building than the one you lucky bastards knocked down. A building that goes further than the moon! You see that picture here, that one of the FREEDOM Tower us FREE Americans are building – it’s gonna be higher than the moon! What are you going to hijack a spaceship now? Good fucking luck! Game over – we won. Go suicide-bomb yourself in someone else’s backyard!
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CRUISE SHIPS
“FREEDOM of the Seas”, the monster pleasure boat pictured here, is a testament to the massive amounts of FREEDOM we can enjoy together through our collective democratic efforts. Because, after all, what’s the point of FREEDOM, if not to enjoy.
Sometimes, during these harsh winter months, I find some relief in daydreams…just imagine yourself aboard this love boat, cruising along in the sunny Caribbean tropics, laying out poolside, basking in the warm sunshine…next to a fat grandma from Strawberry Point, Iowa – who strikes up an engaging conversation with you about the benefits of using sun-tan lotion. Then you get to shovel down some first-rate slop at the banquet hall before making a mad dash for the shore and grabbing all the cheap, exotic crap you can carry from the local junk peddlers who follow your every turn.
Oh paradise – when will your ship come my way?
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BILL (The Motorcycle Cop)
FREEDOM’s all fun and games until Bill and his hog jump out of the bushes and consume your rearview mirror with all the sirens and flashing lights and “pull over” business. If I ever find myself driving into the town of Mashpee – I’ll be sure to make a u-turn first chance I get…if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s that you don’t want to be anywhere near a close-trimmed-goatee/Oakley-sunglasses toting mothersucker.
